office pest

London 2012 Re-Ticketing

2012-01-06T19:28:00.000Z

Another Triumph!!

The Number One Job on the Number One Day

2011-12-23T02:11:00.000Z

I hadn't seen this little gem of a cartoon for I don't know how long. I hope you like it.

If you're celebrating, have a good time. Merry Christmas.

Talk Talk the latest, it's official - they ARE crap.

2011-09-24T03:01:00.002+01:00

Talk Talk voted wankiest internet provider and most complained about bunch of internet scam artists and tossers in entire history of the on-line world;

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15018161

No news really.

I've moaned about this before. Here's the local proof;

As you can see the magnificent Talk Talk, with their pardners in cowboy hats and jangly spurs Openreach, manage to deliver an APPALLING one thirtieth, rising to one twentieth, of the expected and paid for service speed.

Lets review:

Their fault reporting system is debilitating and wearing. Deliberately so, I am sure.
Their complaints process is exhausting and impenetrable - and relies on web access to use it HA HA HA HA. Oh my aching sides!!!
The transfer and switching process to a new ISP frankly does not bear thinking about.
OPENreach, who's fault some or all of this abomination still 'technically' COULD be, (who knows), are UN'reach'able except through one's ISP (see above).

Frankly, dear reader, I am so sick of this shit, and much else to be honest, that I might just cancel the accounts, rip out the plugs and return to 1989. Opting out of the information super-ditchway really appeals to me now.

What do you think? Drop me a postcard and let me know.

Oh and if you are reading this, TalkTalk, do please sort your shit out once and for all. It's your problem, not mine. We're not 'all in this together'. I am not your friend, nor your 'colleague', just a soon-to-be-ex-customer.

Thank you for tuning in to Pest Media Updates.

Talk Talk = Walk Walk

2011-08-02T14:40:00.001+01:00

Now, if someone was to have said to me awhile back, when Tiscali (who I was with) were taken over by Talk Talk I'd one day be looking back on the Tiscali Years like they were some kind of Golden Age, I'd have laughed in their face.

Yep that's right folks, the service from Talk Talk is officially worse than Tiscali's. And it's not just the technical stuff that doesn't perform, it's the reporting and resolution process as well - almost as if they don't want you to tell them that they're El Crappola. OpenReach are part of the problem too no doubt, but they won't talk talk to me, only to Talk Talk - who you just cannot get a grip on. So everybody gets away with it.

Currently 'enjoying' a 0.2Mbps download speed, off a supposedly 5Mbps service (which at it's best only reaches a tolerable 3.8, but I'd settle for that today).

The Talk Talk fault resolution process seems to revolve around a self-help forum 'moderated' by people with avatars like the one above. The very sight of which is enough to tell you that it's going to take forever to get anywhere, and not end well.

Useless, useless, smug arrogant bastards.

Listen Lads, I've Got a Great Idea

2011-07-21T19:05:00.000+01:00

In these angst-ridden days what we really need is less Murdoch lies and corruption stories, less Eurozone economic crisis stories, less Dollarzone debt default stories, less corrupt police and politician stories and more Fluffy Kitten stories. So here you are then, and please don't ever say I won't show you a good time, loyal reader.

These little guys and gals were born on the 22nd June, so have almost known a life without The News Of The World. Lucky them. They do have their own agenda though and it's fuelled by greed and excitement 24/7. When they're not sleeping that is.

"Hey look! There's Mum"

"Come on, he's spotted Mum"

"Get out of my way, kitties, I'm coming through"

"Nice one, Number 6, get that headlock working"

"Cheers yeah, Mum. Now, where shall we go next?"

"Six. SIX! Do I really deserve this?"

... and relax, on the Longest Day

2011-07-10T15:12:00.006+01:00

Northamptonshire poppies as currently showing; slightly blurred and colour shifted as these 70's camera Lomo & hipster enthusiasts would like to have it.

The real story - low light in the last light of the Longest Day - getting on for 10pm, the old Spotmatic, 35mm lens and using an old roll of Ektachrome up which should have been finished and developed years ago. Never mind, looks alright I think.

This light and at this hour seems unbelievable, a fantasy, in England after the beginning of October and before the middle of May...I post this to reassure myself it's really possible, and true, and will return.

It's Space Age Britain - and he's John Hodge

2011-02-08T12:50:00.002Z

Congratulations to Louis Barfe http://cheeseford.blogspot.com/ for successfully identifying our Mystery Man. Almost making it off his planet to orbit was Mondo http://planetmondo.blogspot.com/ . Piley is still on the Pad http://piley.blogspot.com/ ,we started the lift-off without him.

Yes, it's John Hodge. Originally from Leigh-on-Sea, then via Avro Canada to Nasa, becoming amongst other things, the second Flight (or Mission) Controller appointed, during the Gemini programme.

The story of the Avro Arrow project cancellation and 'what happened next' to a group of highly talented engineers and scientists is told very well in the book Arrows To The Moon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Arrows-Moon-Avros-Engineers-Apogee/dp/1896522831/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1297164713&sr=1-1. As the book description puts it:

"On 20 February 1959 the Canadian government shut down the CF-105 Avro Arrow jet interceptor programme, putting the cream of Canada's aerospace engineering talent out of work. Many of the Avro engineers had just arrived in Canada from Great Britain. A brand new U.S. organisation called the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was charged with putting U.S. astronauts into space, and in 1959 it desperately needed engineering talent. Within 10 weeks of the demise of the Arrow, 25 Avro engineers were working for NASA, and another seven joined them later.

Other Avro engineers found work with the aerospace contractors that built spacecraft and boosters or NASA. A little more than 10 years later, US astronauts were standing on the surface of the Moon in the climax of one of the greatest stories of technology and exploration in human history. This book tells for the first time the story of the Canadian and British engineers from Avro Canada who played key roles in putting Americans on the Moon and in building today's US space programme, including the Space Shuttle and the International Space Station."

Hodge became deputy to Chris Kraft and effectively number two in the Mission Control business. He was the second Flight Controller appointed, by, and after, Kraft himself. More here:

http://www.avroarrow.org/AvroArrow/JohnHodge.html

Perhaps the most famous incident that Hodge was involved in was a potential disaster scenario in space, as Gemini 8, crewed by Neil Armstrong (yes that Neil Armstrong) and Dave Scott (later Apollo 9 & 15), attempted the first docking between two spacecraft in Earth orbit, an essential precursor technique to achieving any lunar mission.

All went well until a manoeuvring thruster jet stuck 'on', resulting in the whole spacecraft spinning up to about one rev/second, approaching the danger level for humans, even test pilots, to endure. Armstrong kept his cool and stopped the spin by using the re-entry thruster fuel to do so; unfortunately, it meant an early return for Gemini 8. Hodge made the call, and Gemini 8 returned to an unscheduled, but safe landing. You can hear him in action here. You can tell who's who pretty easily.

For those people who ever wondered what it would have been like if Britain had carried on with it's own space programme, then I guess that the old recording of an English voice running the show would give you a little flavour.

The longer film of the incident itself is below. Incidentally, the CapCom in this film (an astronaut who's job it was to be the only direct point of contact to the astronauts in space, to prevent confusion) was Jim Lovell, later to fly around the moon on Apollo 8 and 13).

http://www.maniacworld.com/Gemini-VIII-Docks.htm

A few more links here -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Hodge_(engineer)

http://www.southendtimeline.com/whoswho.htm

(Good to see that the Southend Timeline is on to him, I'm looking at you Mondo and Piley)

(Flight Controllers - Clockwise from lower right: Chris Kraft, Gene Kranz, Glynn Lunney and John Hodge).

Who Am I ?

2011-02-05T22:39:00.007Z

Born in Leigh-on-Sea in 1928, or 1929 (the date and year is disputed), this man's career took him all over the world. The work he did enabled others to go even further. He's still walking on the earth at the time of writing.

But - Who is he...??

Today's Horoscope:

"Gemini - Long-distance and foreign connections, exchange and trade will be favored. You'll travel a fair amount and may strike up a chance acquaintance who shares your views, ideals and ideas. A period of happiness, true spirituality, intellectual and moral growth — a truly cosmic gift comes to you.

The preceding period had lots of highs and lows for you to reckon with. This month reorients you to your lasting values, and greater idealism is the result, in conjunction with heightened consciousness and conscience."

A little music for a Sunday lunchtime I think..

So then, from William Tell to an Arrow. We'll come back to Gemini presently.

Our man was involved with the design and production of this little beauty:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avro_arrow

Then he was caught up, like thousands of others, in the chaos which ensued from its sudden and untimely cancellation. But from that dark period, a new dawn was to break for a lucky and talented few; for whilst one great technical project was suddenly ending, almost simultaneously another was being kick started to urgent life...in the USA.

Tell Me When The Work Is Done / Tell Me When The Day Is Through

2011-01-11T03:37:00.001Z

Mick Karn died on 4th January. I guess all those of us of a certain age would remember Japan, some more fondly than others. Me, I loved Japan, and amongst a group of talented musicians Mick Karn was a very individual bass and woodwind player, respected by his peers and well beyond the 'New Romantic' scene (which Japan significantly pre-dated, by the way), as well as by the fans.

I had the pleasure of seeing Japan play live a couple of times in the early '80s (yes Piley, I'm that old) and they were of course superb.

Hard for me to pick out a favourite track from one of the pillars of the soundtrack to my youth, or indeed one that shows Mick's talents using his fretless bass, above all the others - but here's a couple whilst I think about it a bit more:

God keep you Mick, you really were one of a kind.
Condolences to the family and I hope you get all the support you need.

More info here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mick_Karn

http://www.mickkarn.net/Pages/Message.htm

What a Bloody Shower

2011-01-10T03:53:00.001Z

The BBC have sacked Rob McElwee from doing weather forecasts. I didn't know about this, and no one asked me if it was alright to do it. It isn't. We all know that the weather forecasts are sometimes a bit wrong if not wholly fanciful, though I think they are quite accurate these days as it goes.

But that's not the point. As the weather forecast is only partially viewed for an actual prediction, and more often than not looked at to see what the weather's been like elsewhere in the UK or the World, to remind one of other places in the islands that we might like to visit and also to see how bad others have got it, it falls into the 'entertainment' category of programme. So then, to sack the most idiosyncratic and entertaining of weather presenters on the BBC is classic 'missing the point, BBC', BBC.

Get rid of Top Of The Pops because of 24 hour music channels? Missing the point - I don't want to watch 24 hour music channels to see what's in the top 20, I want a review show. On that reasoning, the BBC would have got rid of the 9 o'clock News, because there's 24 hour rolling news. 'But people want a round-up', they bleat. Exactly, idiots, so give me a pop round up, and make it entertaining. Also, give me an entertaining weather review/forecast, and make that amusing as well. I pay you for this shit.

Employ an entertaining weather forecaster/presenter, not a robot or a crazy man. I can get all that if I want it from ITV or Sky.

I only caught Sir Rob's last show by accident. I'd been out at work (don't ask), came back, put the TV on at just gone midnight to see what was on and saw that the Weatherview was coming up. Essential viewing. At the end RM goes and says, 'that's it from me', then adds 'that's really IT from me', winks, and he's gone!

The year before last, I handed the bankers all my money for the next 25 years (how's the loan repayment plan going on by the way, Mr Shitbag Clegg?). Last year I get handed a right wing coup d'etat instead of an election result. This year the BBC do this. I pay you all, for this kind of shit?

I'm becoming quite unhappy about this sort of thing.

Harumphh!!!

White Christmas

2010-12-24T03:35:00.000Z

Steam trains and snow - at Christmas? Really, what could be better.

Wishing you all a Happy Christmas.

I'm Spartacus!

2010-12-09T01:02:00.000Z

Well, I'm not of course, but he is. He's also Vincent van Gogh as far as I'm concerned.

So, another day and another birthday of a long lived movie star and cultural icon. A proper icon as well.

Born in 1916, and 94 today. You can read about him here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kirk_Douglas

And see a fairly recent interview (below), where Mr Douglas talks about the stroke that afflicted him.

Or, why not look him up on MySpace, if you take part in such things - he's apparently the oldest celeb on it and quite accessible, as these things go.

Hey, Blondie!

2010-12-07T02:03:00.003Z

A Happy Birthday to Eli Wallach, born 7th December 1915 and 95 today.

You can read about him here

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eli_Wallach

And see a recent interview here:

I thought I might have forgotten how to work this blogger, but I haven't, surprisingly.

Fly away

2010-07-07T00:34:00.000+01:00

Flies. I've never known a year like it for them. They're everywhere. Is it just here (and is there something big rotting away nearby), or is it the same with you?

I wonder if it's those damn vuvuzazalalas on the telly that have been attracting them in.

That final team talk in full..

2010-06-23T00:33:00.006+01:00

Mr Capello opened the briefing,

"I've got a job for you, Team England. You have to play Slovenia, at football, and beat them."

Mr Capello then concluded,

"F__k this up and you're dead meat."

[translation by Berlitz]

John Motson might have said:

"Well, here we are again. The longest day may have passed, but the England team are still stuck on the beaches, under fire from all sides, taking casualties, searching for that decisive and necessary breakthrough.

After the trials and tribulations of the past few days, the travelling England fans will be wondering if this is to be their last stand in South Africa. We've already seen the French go home in disgrace and disarray, and some would no doubt say that this is nothing less than they deserve.

Slovenia, England 's opponents today, currently lead the group and will be looking to consolidate that position with a win or a draw. England need to win emphatically in order to progress with credibility, to probably face the Germans once more in the next round.

The other game in Group C, the USA versus Algeria could still provide an upset for England if the USA prevail and England cannot manage more than a draw. What an ignominious exit that would be for Capello's team.

And if this happens, after a faltering campaign so far, many will say that England never had the quality to progress in this tournament and are simply not good enough to fulfil the nation's expectations. Harsh words perhaps, but you have to look to the likes of Rooney, Terry and Lampard for an explanation as to why they simply cannot perform at this level.

Our sporting venue today, the coastal town of Port Elizabeth, provides the perfect setting for the match, with a kick off at 3pm, a time of course not unfamiliar to the host of Premiership stars who have so far struggled to perform.

Obviously a sea level location, altitude is not an factor, and the weather forecast is for a temperate 19 degrees celsius; that's the mid 60's for those of you who still prefer the Fahrenheit scale.

Coincidentally, the mid 60's were of course the last time that England covered themselves in glory, in that famous victory in the 1966 World Cup, also against continental opposition, in that case the Germans. A date fast passing out of living memory, and nothing but a fairy tale to so many of the youngsters watching at home today.

So here we go. Can Captain Gerrard and his troops produce the victory England needs this afternoon, in a corner of a foreign field, of the town named Elizabeth ?

For Queen and Country, Gentlemen?"

Your candidate speaks

2010-04-28T11:33:00.000+01:00

Mr LF Barfe pictured outside NOTA Waveney Campaign Headquarters, quite recently

Well, if you live in the Waveney constituency he does.

Mr L.F. Barfe, noted commentator, author, blogger and resident of Cheeseford is standing for Parliament, on the None Of The Above ticket.

In a recent interview with the BBC,

"Waveney candidate Louis Barfe says a vote for him is a last resort; when people want to vote, but none of the candidates appeals. "With NOTA standing, they have an option to register their dismay and disaffection," he says.

He says that in the unlikely event of him getting in, his one policy would be to force a by-election within six months in which he would not stand.

"The problem with politicians is not what they promise, it's what they deliver," he said. "So by promising to deliver nothing, I'm the best man for the job I don't want."

I know what you did last Easter

2010-04-25T11:30:00.005+01:00

A non-scientific survey of "The Stranded" from my own extended circle brought a wry smile. It revealed a high proportion of senior medics and teachers - the self declared 'overworked' (and well paid), in other words.

I can't help but think that had there not been an election campaign on, all leave cancelled, half the MPs in the country would have been caught, er, out of it.

The exotic locations of our publicly funded hard working families would have provided a rich seam of scorn for the papers. Much worse than this.

Headlines like "Having a Lava-ly Time" being used.

After the expenses and pay scandals, lucky for them perhaps that they couldn't go. Who knows what they'd have been photographed doing.

Christine Keeler sunbathes in Spain, a while ago

The '39 Oscars

2010-03-18T01:27:00.005Z

Tonight, tiring of modern television, I re-watched Hitchcock's The 39 Steps. I expect you've seen it many times as well.

It surprises me how a film made in 1935 stands up so well. That's a whole 75 years ago, friends and neighbours. Not that corny, and not so, well, 'old fashioned'. Though clearly of it's time, the scenes of the train, the Forth Bridge, the streets, a young but somehow no different John Laurie never fail to delight me. Perhaps I make allowances for it.

Along with Hitchcock, Robert Donat in the lead role - born today in 1905 - really deserves the plaudits for this film version of John Buchan's story. I know Donat was considered to be a fine actor in his time, in fact quite a favourite for his portrayal of 'well bred but not aloof' characters. At least that's what my father tells me.

On looking Mr Donat up, we see that he won the Oscar for Best Actor in 1939 (for Goodbye Mr Chips). An Academy Award's not so bad for a lad from Great Britain in any year.

Even better when you consider that in 1939 he beat the following nominees to the big prize: Clark Gable (for Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind); Micky Rooney (for Micky Moran in Babes in Arms); James Stewart (for Jefferson Smith in Mr Smith Goes to Washington); Laurence Olivier (for Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights).

Insert:Pipe:Ignite

Happy Birthday, Robert Donat

OH FOR FFSS

2010-03-12T01:29:00.006Z

Do I really need this s##t in my life? No I don't.

Tonight I thought I'd play a CD in my computer. How fu##ing quaint. I put the CD in and it didn't play. It is an old CD. It is in good condition, but still, perhaps the CD fairies have corrupted it sometime between 1988 and now. So I tried a new CD. That doesn't work either.

'Why?', I thought. Then I thought, 'Actually, I don't want to understand. I just want it to work.'

After my outbreak of petulance, I searched for 'why the f##k wouldn't a simple CD play on a fu##ing computer?'

The consensus seemed to be that I needed to download yet more software. 'Try Windows Media Player'. Yeah, why not. It's on here already but never mind let's upgrade the fu##er. I mean, after all, all we're asking here is for the first mass media piece of digital, er, media to be played on another piece of ubiquitous digital technology. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong?

And it still doesn't work. The media player offers to organise, catalogue and 'library' my 'clips'. It can 'burn', 'rip' and 'sync' things. I'm not here to pirate, rip, sync, burn, 'library' or catalogue. The only thing I want 'organising' is for the CD to play.

But, as I said before; I don't want to understand. I just want it to work. There is no button to press that says "PLAY THE CD".

F##k it, I'll play it in the car tomorrow. What s##t this all is.

Happy Friday all!

"I would willingly sell my house and all its contents to help the BBC"

2010-02-26T13:06:00.005Z

Well, of course I wouldn't. But what I would do, if I had the option, is pay twice as much as I do now if it meant that the bloody adverts could be removed from ITV, and, that ITV then had enough money to make some better programmes. Rather than cancelling all the expensive ones, being over reliant on the X-Factor, and leaving most of the rest with their restrictive budgets clearly on show.

The only positive thing, albeit in a twisted way, about the commercial side's current difficulties is that it highlights just where we'll go if the BBC is ever bullied off the air. But throwing buckets of water over your neighbours whilst your own house is on fire is not the way to go.

As for the radio argument - 'nuff said already, elsewhere I think.

Bring back Primeval, that's what I say.

Twas the Night Afore Christmas

2010-02-18T20:49:00.004Z

What did I say the other day about today being my Christmas Eve?

And round here, it's been snowing all day, right on cue.

WORK??

Shazzer

2010-02-17T03:33:00.004Z

I've just found out that the man who wrote, sung and played lead on 'My Sharona', Doug Fieger, has gone. Only 57 as well, which makes the big Countdown clock in the sky seem a little bigger today.

Albeit the song being about a 27 year old man's lustful obsession with a 16 year old girl, (glass houses) it's a top tune and this version is the one with the proper guitar solo in. Though the Ramones pictures don't make a lot o sense.

Anyway, apparently the loving couple spent quite a few years together, and she was also with him in his last days, just last week. So no remarks at the back please, just up it loud and enjoy.

For myself, I have 4 days away from work and it feels like Christmas. It's the longest break I've had from work since last September, and that includes Christmas/NY as well. Shan't complain too much, I've been out of work and that's no holiday either.

So tomorrow is Dec 23rd. Thursday is Christmas Eve etc etc. That's if things don't go tits up at work and I have to go back early.

Might make a visit to the British Museum on Thursday. That's if I can negotiate a train ticket for three for under £100. (Don't bank on it). I want to reconnect with our stolen treasures, and Daughter is interested in Egypt. I can't tell you how many years it's been since I was at the Museum, in fact I'm not sure if I've ever been there at all. I must have though.

How the years spin by; and as Mr Fieger teaches us, you just never know, do you? Best have those mildly or wildly inappropriate love affairs while you can.

Whoositsmith?

2010-01-23T03:34:00.004Z

I read that Joe Perry and the rest of Aerosmith are looking for a new lead singer and frontman, due to Steve Tyler's temporary unavailability.

Well, I'm not a huge fan of Aerosmith, but, I like the hits and the big songs like many do. I know who Joe Perry is of course, because he never fails to mention his band.

But I wonder, isn't someone in Aerosmith-land missing the point a bit here? Or is it me.

Eat more chocolate - save Britain!

2010-01-16T03:20:00.007Z

I don't care who you are and where you're from. Leave Cadbury's alone and concentrate on improving your own chocolate-based products instead of ruining ours, just to make yours seem better.

That'll be Hershey, Kraft and Ferrero then.

First Rowntree, then Terry - now this. Not on my watch, sunshine. We're not dumb, chum.

The Sun Will Shine...At First...

2010-01-09T23:47:00.008Z

The Master at Work

Check out the "heh-heh-heh" at the end. Top class Hammer-style hamming.

Almost as good as this:

If you can find it on an Anchor Bay DVD for less than a fortune it's well worth it. Peter Cushing at the top of his game, not distracted by having to share the scenes with a special effects Snowman, who is in fact rarely seen. Menacing and crisp - and unspoilt by the breathless hoop-la of later, lamer 'unseen menace' films such as Blair Witch.

One of the best B&W transfers to digital that I've ever seen, and the soundtrack's a honey too.

Leave i /t/ aht.

2010-01-06T01:27:00.005Z

Irritating Advert Award of 2010 already awarded to Thomas Cook for their "IT" advert.

Not content with overusing the word 'it', they then employ sweetheart Louise Redknapp to glottally stop every 'it' she's go/t/ to say. Seductively languid, it ain'/t/, if that's what you were thinking, advert people. Her husband does a little better, by the way. But not much.

Anyway, besides the suspension of disbelief that normally accompanies any holiday advert, this time we're meant to believe that the Redknapps, several grand lighter, pitch up at Ga/t/wick Sarth, and are then, along with all customers of this most celebrated of service industries, treated like potential mass murdering, smuggling, fanatical pant bombers - to be corralled, pushed, poked, frisked, x-rayed, scanned, examined and caged with hundreds of others, like the villainous animals we all secretly are, before setting off to their fortnight in the sun, jammed into seats little wider than the width of the meal tray, with the back of the seat in front wedged into their throats, courtesy of the Cook Book. They Thomas Cooked I/T/.

And they are deliriously happy abaht it. Maybe grateful as well.

Well, stone me, do wot, who knew, eh?

My knees are aching just thinking abaht it.

If you haven't seen the advert, or even if you have and you want to punish yourself some more, here it is:

God, I'm in a bad mood this decade. Already!

Jet Set Christmas Holidays in Beirut, 1960s - Part 3

2009-12-25T01:45:00.009Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS

So here we are with some skiing up at the Cedars, quite the most exclusive ski resort east of St Moritz. Our little Christmas party kicks off here, apres-ski. Then we head back down to the coast in time for Boxing Day, on the beach.

Our exclusive hotel - 1960s style!

Boxing Day lunch with light musical accompaniment, courtesy of Garam Chiba and his orchestra.

Currently signed to Mr Orville Campbell's 'Colonial Records', I expect after this trip they'll soon be distributed internationally on the Piley-Mondo Podcast label. Not so sure about Ebe Sneezer and his Epidemics though.

Pest Holidays hope you're having a lovely time!

Jet Set Christmas Holidays in Beirut, 1960s - Part 2

2009-12-24T07:20:00.009Z

Somewhat delayed due to adverse weather conditions in Great Britain, we're finally on our way. Our destination - Beirut, playground of the Middle East.

On board today is Mr David Niven, noted film actor presently serving as your BOAC De Luxe class steward, due to a lack of work. Please keep your hands off him, Miss Woo.

Drinks and other refreshments will be served shortly, followed by the Lunch service:

What are you having?

You are invited to enjoy the following film, from Mr Harold Baim and Mr Valentine Dyall, about our exotic destination.

Is that Prince Rainier over there, sitting next to King Hussein?

Jet Set Christmas Holidays in Beirut, 1960s - Part 1

2009-12-12T23:19:00.010Z

Yes blogging friends, that's right. This year, our annual Christmas outing takes us to 1960s Beirut - meeting place of East and West. Skiing in the morning and the beach in the afternoon; pulsating, exotic, throbbing nightlife by, er, night.

After the trials and tests of a turbulent year, we're off to the Paris of the East; cosmopolitan, liberal, exciting - and the perfect Christmas getaway for the blogging Jet Set. After last year's stunningly successful trip to the Caribbean, I have high hopes for this years trip.

It's sometime in the 1960s.....so, pack your bags and observe the pre-flight movies.

We're travelling with BOAC again - of course...

Who's on board this year?

Richard Todd R.I.P.

2009-12-05T01:45:00.005Z

I feel quite upset about this. God rest him.

Rocky Horror Halloween Show

2009-10-31T20:51:00.008Z

Only half way through watching tonight's Halloween 'X' rated X Factor Horror Special.

I started off feeling like this:

Now I'm feeling like this:

All I need now is for someone to try to reanimate the sacred Freddie Mercury....maybe they'll stop at MJ's 'Thriller'.

Make it go awwaaaay.

Star Sign Taurus - Lucky Day: Friday

2009-09-11T00:49:00.003+01:00

A faked up Taurus rocket lifts off from a clumsily montaged landscape

I was amused to read about the negative aspects of Star Sign Taurus, below. I must argue about the fat comment though. I'm not fat.

The Star Sign Taurus character: They see everything in terms of money or value and cling like leeches to anyone rich or famous. Once they have wealth or status they'll bully their inferiors and wield control with a rod of iron. They hate change and are suspicious of everyone. Fortunately for the rest of us Taureans are generally stupid so they don't usually get very far in life. This may account for their famed resentment of everyone. They are usually very, very fat. They make hopeless diplomats but excellent socialites, bankers or thieves.

The Star Sign Taurus Lover: Taurus make excellent ex-husbands because of their determination never to let the past become the past. In an argument they will remember every detail of your past sins but never their own. They like you to feel inferior.

The year ahead: Try to overcome your pig headed stubbornness and accept the changes that this year brings. People put upon on you in June so get a Cancerian to share the workload.

Famous names: Norman Lamont, The Queen, Paula Yates.

Ruler: Venus, the planet of sex.

Key characteristics: The self-indulgent bully who is resentful of everything.

Lucky material: Cheapskate copper, coral and stolen emerald.

Lucky day: Friday.

Herbs and plants: Gooseberry, Lentils, Periwinkle.

I promise to post a proper update soon. It's been a while so there's lots to tell.

Junk Mail

2009-08-03T11:35:00.004+01:00

I've never seriously considered becoming an international trader in goods, but now that Mr Hong from Shanghai has been in touch with me, I think I might do it.

"Dear Sir/Madame,

Greeting!

This is John Hong, from Integrate Shipping Limited in Shanghai. It would be my great pleasure if we can help you to get more money target /business expending in China. I am writing to make sure you don't miss out on the great chance to construct a relationship with a Chinese freight forwarder. Take few minutes at hereinafter.

As we are so care and treasure even a single chance to serve you. I thought we are capable with professional manner based on network, diligent staff in offices at Shanghai, Shenzhen, Beijing, even stronger than your Chinese suppliers to take care your business throughout China.

You need a good, reliable logistics partner at China to cover your cargo logistics needs, specially at liaison affairs to keep commercial secret, information/status update, save cost at communication/consolidation job to keep eyes on suppliers in China with strong customs broker services. We are in neutrality, to small supplier, we even can pay small bill for you to pick up goods first, we help you at currency exchange at lucrative price indeed.

So now you got a great opportunity to be served.

To learn more about us, please have a glance of our homepage :http://www.islcn.com We are so close to you cause we have set agency network all around world even Africa, not only you will be served in China, but also in your good country, our agents are more than happy to tailor cargo solutions for you and your customers. We now are more than a freight forwarder as we also have a trading company with license to help our customers to settle customs declare both import and export.

You can also benefit from creating a right Chinese supplier, right goods that we check for you, even after your order is placed, we can help you to make inspection of quality of goods based on sample you provide, check background of supplier, pay deposit/subscription in advance to supplier if need.......etc,etc. Work with ISL, you take great advantage of cost effective solutions and specifically enable you be assured to quality cargo services cover whole China.

We appreciate that you can let us know where we can start our work in China to cooperate with your esteemed company.

I look forward to hearing from you soon."

Well, his English is better than my Chinese.

Anyway, anybody else want in before I go back to him?

Shadows on the Face of the Moon

2009-07-17T21:03:00.008+01:00

Something I'd normally post over on Space Age Britain , but this story may be of more general interest considering the date.

The full story is here (NASA link)

In summary, the new Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter has now started photographic surveys of the Moon, and has returned pictures of the remnants of the Apollo missions left on the surface.

I found the image above, containing the footmark trails left by Al Shepherd and Ed Mitchell, quite reassuring. Who'd bother to fake that?.

But, if Lunar tourism ever gets going, someone will have to make it their business to preserve all this. Good luck with that.

pee'd off

2009-07-09T00:24:00.010+01:00

Piss Poor Procedural Preparation Prevents Planned Public Performances

Full of Eastern Promise

2009-05-27T11:59:00.004+01:00

Well, after a marathon stint at work over the whole of the Bank Holiday weekend, that's the hard work done for now.

All that remains is to pack my smalls, elephant gun and solar topee. I intend to be the complete tourist and live on confectionery for two whole weeks, whilst scanning the horizon for marauding wildlife.

My sugar intake should set me up nicely to attend belly-dancing lessons; one has to respect the culture and take part in order to truly bond with a country and it's peoples, don't you find?

Actually, I'm pretty sure that they don't have marauding wildlife in Turkey but, as Five-Centres loves to hear people say, "what-evah!"

Bye for now.

Hard-Fi In Operation

2009-05-22T09:55:00.006+01:00

It seems to have been an extraordinarily l-o-n-g week for some reason. If you're feeling the same, here's a top tune to keep you going until 17:58

Oh go on then, have another..

Have a great weekend. For those having to work (me too) - I salute you.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

2009-05-18T19:48:00.003+01:00

Dearest,

Kindly accept my apology for sending mail to you. I believe you are a highly respected personality, I am writing this mail with tears, sadness and pains. I know it will come to you as a surprise since we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your profile from a human resource profile database on your country through Internet in search of trusted person who can assist me.

I am Miss Konye Garang 25 years old female from the Republic of Sudan, the Daughter of Late Dr. John Garang. Before my late father’s death in Uganda on 31st of July 2005, was vice president and former rebel leader of Sudan and was kill by Sudan President Omar al Bashir in helicopter crash. You can read more about my father in the news.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$12.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will send you my photos in my next email for you to know me well.

Yours Miss Konye Garang

Consultants - dontcha just luv 'em?!?

2009-04-29T20:46:00.005+01:00

Over at David Hepworth's there's an intelligent debate going on about Consultants, amongst other things. It's very good.

However, being time poor but sarcasm rich you won't get anything quite so involved from me. It's a different paradigm. I'll just paint a picture with my own enriched version of my favourite description of this noble best-of-breed:

"Consultants? - They're like seagulls: They spy your chips, fly in, squawk a lot, flap round your head for a while, land, strut around, eat all your food, squawk a lot more, then suddenly take off, fly around you for a bit longer, squawk en masse, crap on you, then disappear. It's very hard to tell one from another."

Ithenkyow.

Heck - it's BBC bullshit time

2009-04-26T10:49:00.009+01:00

'Nazi' cattle indeed. What do they do then, herd themselves into their own cattle trucks?

I also hope you enjoy the commentary, with it's insightful summary of the Nazi rampage through Europe.

See the 'Nazi cattle' here

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8019029.stm

BBC News - for all your red-top website needs. Doh. Get a grip, BBC, you're meant to be better than this.

Easter Eggs

2009-04-10T22:25:00.040+01:00

When was the last time you saw a pair of beauties like this hanging outside a house? They really are the (HMV dogs) nuts aren't they. They're commonly referred to as egg insulators (not dog's eggs, so no sniggering at the back please).

Apologies to those who do know, but for those who don't they are radio aerial, or antenna insulators, used to prevent loss of the radio signal to earth in old style long wire aerials, when receiving your actual BBC Light Programme, or if you preferred, the World Service, VOA, Radio Moscow/Prague/Luxembourg and so on.

Aerial insulators are still used to this day by aficionados of old radio sets, listeners to the short wave and by radio amateurs, a-transmitting and a-receiving worldwide.

Antenna arrays used by those folks can be complex, but for domestic listening pleasure, the general configuration was to have one end fixed to the house, and the other attached to a tall pole at the end of the garden, with the wire hanging between the insulators.

Here's a diagram of the typical installation you might remember seeing at your house. It's in Italian, so let's say it's to honour Guglielmo Marconi.

So a setup like the one in my photo at the top of the post would usually be for a home radio receiver. It would have been a feature of a vast number of Britain's houses from the 1930s through to the 1960s, when transistor radios started to take over, because the long wire aerials were usually required for Radio Sets using valves - perhaps an Ekco, Defiant, Grundig, Cossor, HMV, Pye, Bush, Phillips or a Marconi. Perhaps you or someone you know had one. Perhaps you still do!

But the aerial isn't all that you need to get the best from your old radio. You also need to get the radio signal through your (wooden) window frame to the radio inside the house, without earthing the wire and losing the signal. For this you need an insulator - this one is the typical paxoline tube with a copper thread running through it.

Finally, an earth point is required, in order to set up a good signal flow between the broadcast transmitter and the radio receiver - which are linked together by the earth potential of the, er, Earth.

Now you're all set to go - sit back and enjoy the mellow tones, and, have a Happy Easter!

Click to enlarge pic

Click to enlarge pic

Click to enlarge pic

For those that need more nostalgia there are many websites about old radios, for example this one, from the U.S.

625 & 405

2009-04-02T00:23:00.005+01:00

You don't see many of the old style 405 line VHF TV aerials these days and no wonder as they've been unable to pick up a useful TV signal for more than 20 years. So those that are left, although obsolete often remain in place, safely out of reach. A perch for birds and a passing query for anyone happening to glance upwards.

Actually you don't see too many of the 'old style' 625 UHF aerials being put up these days either. Most people seem to believe the hype that they need an aerial resembling a massive bog-brush in order to pick up 'digital'.

Which in most cases they don't of course.

When the digital signal strength gets boosted in a couple of years time with the demise of the long time standard analogue, the old style copper wire will suffice on it's own I should think.

Still, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

Flying Bomb - Secret Weapon

2009-03-30T01:07:00.014+01:00

It was always a big thing for me when the clocks went forward. Then you could 'play outside' for a spell after school, visit friends, wander the streets and generally enjoy the novelty of going outside after your tea.

So what better thing to do then, way back in the late 1960s and early 70s, than to excitedly remember and rediscover those treasured toys you'd had for Christmas, what seemed like an age ago. Perhaps something like the Space Explorer, pictured above, yes?

OK then, let's see how the Space Explorer does on the nearly-lunar landscape of your back garden, or, why not play with it in the street for a while, to see how it copes with climbing up and down the kerb?

Why not? I'll tell you why not.

Because of these:

By the end of March, in those far off years, these bulging, bursting, running-sore Zinc-Carbon swine would have deteriorated, leaked, and discharged acidic zinc chloride all over the inside of the battery compartment of your prized possession, rotting the contacts and rendering the toy useless. Unless you were lucky and managed to clean the stuff out. Always a tricky business though, no guarantees of success there - they'd had a three month head start on their sticky sabotage mission.

I remain convinced that the Hong Kong battery manufacturers, probably owned by the toy makers, made the battery casings out of the thinnest possible metal, in order to ensure a steady sale of replacement toys. Not that we needed any encouragement to pester for something new, to be honest.

Ever Ready were a bit better, but not immune to leakage and ruination either - so no smirking at the back.

Even though batteries these days don't leak, at least not very often - not unless you buy 20 for a pound batteries in order to visit your own disappointment of years gone by on others - and why would you - it's still an automatic reaction in my head to say, "Don't leave the batteries in, they'll leak!".

It's a traditional mantra handed down through the generations, and I usually say it out loud, before I've thought about what I'm saying. If I'm lucky I get the chance to explain. Now and again though, I'm proven right. Ha.

Technical Help Please

2009-03-19T18:33:00.006Z

Out of curiosity I've been looking into what it means when people say they are downloading films or TV using 'torrent'. I've never done it.

Along the way I've also been advised about or have read of various horror stories that befall torrent users. These generally fall under the categories of:

Legal penalties
Technical (equipment) ruin
Security breaches (theft of data)
Virus infestation
Identity theft enabled by collection of personal data, leading to fraud - or worse...

and, to top it off,

A generous frosting of SPAM.

I am just wondering if any of these disasters are common, or are we talking about the odd few events that have caught out the unwary, which have then been blown out of all proportion?

Are there good ways to download, and preferred sites to go to?
Do you need better or new software?
Is setting up for the whole process really like wearing 15 condoms for safety's sake, so that it's not really worth bothering to go through with it?

I'd be grateful if any regular torrent-eers could offer me some sage advice.

WATCHMEN? Well, not exactly...

2009-03-16T00:04:00.014Z

I haven't seen this film yet, but I'm already a fan. In fact I'm so enthusiastic about seeing it that I may actually go to the cinema.

It's been a long time since I went to the pictures. Not as long a time as it's been since I could be bothered to go to London for instance. And certainly not as long as it's been since I gave up reading the newspapers. But, quite a long time, nonetheless.

I couldn't understand why I've suddenly become so taken with the idea of seeing this movie projected on to a 40 foot high screen; but then I found this easy to read, cut out 'n keep guide, which I think helps me to answer my question:

A Nice Hunk of Cod

2009-03-15T02:21:00.008Z

Whilst the intrepid BT engineers attempt to mend the internet, here's a commercial break featuring persuasive pitches for consumer shite of the 70s.

Observe the first green shoots of the vines and tendrils that now embrace our necks.

I also commend this to you from David Hepworth. It's excellent.

Switch Bitch

2009-03-06T00:40:00.004Z

Here we bloody go. The bloody internet's playing up again. Sometimes it's bloody dropping out after ten bloody minutes or less, sometimes it can be up for nearly a bloody hour, before bloody dropping out in the middle of something bloody important.
There's no bloody telling.

As regular bloody readers will bloody well know, and be bloody bored of bloody hearing, the bloody culprit is bloody BT. I'm bloody sorry to be bloody posting on this again, but I need to get it out of my bloody system.

BT's bloody wires are bloody old, and bloody soldered every ten bloody yards. Their bloody rural exchanges are bloody Edwardian and the bloody switches are all bloody dirty.

So now I bloody well have to go through the whole bloody process of reporting the bloody fault every bloody day until someone gets the bloody arse enough to go to the bloody exchange to rattle the bloody connections until the ADSL goes out bloody properly. Until the next bloody time.

Alternatively the bloody fault could bloody well be any-bloody-where on the bloody lamentable string of bloody wires from my house to the bloody exchange. So every bloody half baked bloody joint needs to be bloody tested to see if it is bloody OK. Will this be bloody done? No it bloody won't.

Do I bloody well feel like attaching a bloody grappling hook to the bloody wires and pulling the whole bloody lot down, before bloody ram-raiding the bloody exchange, just to make bloody BT replace the whole bloody circus set-up with new bloody kit?

You bet your sweet ass I do.

I Am Come to Rule Over You, Earthlings

2009-03-03T23:43:00.007Z

This Crazy Cat made me look more than twice.

I'm sure he's an escaped ship's cat from a crashed alien spacecraft. Or possibly a highly ranking envoy from a planet staffed entirely with felines.

Whichever, as you will see in the film below, he seems quite happy living here on Earth .....whilst he draws his plans against us!

The Prince of Darkness

2009-02-27T01:21:00.010Z

I get so depressed now whenever I see Robert Peston's face. Because I know it's always going to be bad news, life-sucking news, news to make one feel powerless.

Now, I know it's not his fault, it's his job to report on business and financial news and let's face it, that news sector has been short of a few laughs lately.

But even so, short of the undertaker turning up at the front door with a coffin in the middle of Dancing on Ice and inviting you to step right in, how much lower could it get? Well, Robert Peston takes you there. You'll go low. Lower than ever before. You might not get back up, you'll be so low.

Factual it might be. Helpful...? Not really.

For those familiar with the Bram Stoker novel, that mood of dank, stalled, white-sky, energy sapping stillness, later so brilliantly inhabited by Bela Lugosi when the story was filmed, is precisely the mood Count Peston invokes whenever he tells me of the latest financial catastrophe - on what seems a relentless, inescapable, nightly basis.

Have you read his blog? Don't.

And don't look into his eyes, either.

He can't help it.

++LATEST++END+PREDICTED+FOR+FRIDAY++

2009-02-22T23:46:00.003Z

Well? When has the BBC forecast ever been wrong.

Standing Firm (for now)

2009-02-19T11:26:00.004Z

I may also give up blogging for Lent (hurrah! I hear you cheer); and E-bay as well (boo! the massed sellers protest).

I waste enough time on line as it is (when the m-f internet's working) and need to keep off these new drugs. I gather that being a refusenik is an unusual stance now and considered to be, appropriately, 'socially' unacceptable. What do you think?

Feeling Numanoid

2009-02-17T23:40:00.009Z

Been chatting with lil about Gary Numan, on an earlier post. So for no particular reason other than to get all 1980 doomy on a gloomy Tuesday* 29 years later, here's one of my favourites ladies and gemmun'.

I like a long building intro and tinkling keyboards so this fits the bill from the start, then rocks along like a good 'un, before finishing with a spooky outro. Nice.

He's lasted surprisingly well, hasn't he, considering the stick he got at the time.

* and Wednesday

Seasick

2009-02-16T11:08:00.010Z

Watching this interview on the BBC with Jose Mourinho, the scrolling advert board behind him made me feel quite queasy. This development is even more distracting that the constantly changing advert screens at the side of the pitch used at every major game.

What's next then do you think, 'active slogan' football shirts? The ball playing an product jingle when it's kicked? Tubular plasma screen goalposts?

Is there to be no end to the indignities forced upon the viewer by advertisers and clubs?

I'm feeling quite Mondayish today.

File under 'Lucky'

2009-02-14T23:54:00.005Z

The story here is proof that the old adage 'better late than never' is sometimes indisputably true.

Are 'Friends' Electric?

2009-02-10T09:21:00.005Z

And now, not live from the Midlands, an extended power cut! Really Ambassador, you spoil us.

All I want now is for the internet to pack up again and my joy will be compl

Yes, we have no bananas

2009-02-09T10:50:00.005Z

Had any post lately? I bloody haven't, nothing since last Wednesday. So what's going on with the Royal Mail, have they been told not to go out in the Snow?

And what's with the panic buying and therefore hoarding of basic foods like bread and milk? Empty shelves, selfish shoppers and the rapid breakdown of the infrastructure lead inevitably to the conclusion that Great Britain is finish..[contd p.94] Copyright popular press 2009 (that's enough Snow stories - Ed)

Arrh, Snow in the Good Olde Dayes

2009-02-05T21:36:00.004Z

Marvel at the sense of purpose of the 'Authorities'!

Gasp at the emphasis on common sense rather than H & S over-regulation!!

(Enjoy in High Quality, viewers)

Newsflash!

2009-02-02T23:55:00.010Z

Incredibly, a man has attended work during the current continent-paralysing Significant Snow Event!
In defiance of the Authorities, Mr Pest cleared up to 5 inches of Snow off the car, got in, drove there and drove back using all types of roads and some common sense - 'nothing much happened'. He says "he expects to do the same tomorrow".

In other sensational news, a Child attends school, and a Woman also goes to work. Incredibly they even called in at the shops on their way home, to the amazement of shopkeepers resigned to bankruptcy and closure.
After reaching their house they then spent almost an hour bravely throwing the hellish white substance at each other, and forming it into a crude human shape in order to summon the Snow Demon!
As a rudimentary precautionary measure, loose Snow on their clothing and footwear was brushed off before entering their home.
Government Scientists advise that although no lasting toxic damage is anticipated, the practice is 'not recommended'.

Police, however, are advising everyone to stay indoors until "early July at the earliest", in order to give time for the poisonous cloud to dissipate.

"Fack me, they don't call this the Nuclear Winter for nothing, sanshine", Plod chortled in a BBC Daytime interview earlier today, before he found out that he was reading from a leaflet issued in the 1980s. He then wandered off screen to talk to a group of roaming bus and train drivers.

Elsewhere, a predicted Giant Snow Demon fails to show up to throw Great Britain on to the Moon.

'A Significant Snow Event'...

2009-01-31T23:24:00.014Z

....is apparently the modern-day weather forecasting way to refer to this kind of thing:

Please, weather forecasters, can you go back to using the English language properly, and some time soon? This habitual generation of grand, pseudo scientific sounding phrases to describe the bloody weather of all things is really annoying*. Will a nice hot day in July be a 'significant sunshine event'? No of course it won't, it will be 'A Scorcha' (phew).

Anyway, back to business. WARNING! WARNING! Could anyone reading this please heed all Official Orders to stay inside and do nothing whilst this dangerous Snow period passes. If everyone co-operates with the Authorities' advice Great Britain, already in dire straits, will be completely broke by the time you emerge into the sunshine, sometime in mid-May to be on the safe side. But never mind - Health and Safety comes first. It does in my book and it should in yours.

If however, you retain even a little faith in your capabilities as a developed human being and are reasonably careful about what you do and where & how you do it you should be able to soldier on during this coming week of Snow. As my two research scientist friends below are helpfully demonstrating, Snow is not poisonous nor possessed by killer demons. It can be safe, fun and picturesque.

Remember to:- check on the elderly and infirm; feed the birds; don't drive like a lunatic; avoid others driving like lunatics; leave plenty of time for your journey; eat plenty of Cadbury's chocolate and don't expect the trains to work.

Just BE CAREFUL out there, and we can get through this together.

*Note to Met. Office - the accuracy of the forecast is of far more importance than thinking up new, sexy ways to describe the weather.

Dancing On Thin Ice

2009-01-25T22:18:00.012Z

We like Dancing on Ice in our house. But it seems that all of a sudden, ITV are trying too hard. What used to be a programme with its own character, with the presenters operating at about 7 on an 'out of 10' scale of intensity, suddenly appears to be pushing all the sliders up to 13. And the presenters cannae take it, Captain! We have....

...Phil, who now SHOUTS ALL THE TIME, whether it is a dramatic moment or not. It's not the final Phil, and it's getting wearing already. Then there's....

...Holly. Who is perfecting her Stepford-cum-bovine act to the point of stupefaction. Is Phil overcompensating for her lack of energy?

Finally there's Tony....

...the Voice-Over-Man. What programme couldn't be improved by not having his dirty old man sleazy comments after every female turn?

Is it too late to turn the BBC Licence Fee debate on its head and ask if it would be ok if we paid double, so that commercial TV and radio could be finished with, and ALL the programmes made by the BBC?

Imagine, no more adverts on TV and Radio, and no more shite TV production compromised at every turn by the scheduling of ad breaks, the fevered rush for ratings, cross promotions of a blatency to make your eyes water and all with one eye on the front page of The Sun.
Less of that? With presenters allowed to breath? I'm up for it.

And the culprit is.....BT

2009-01-22T18:43:00.005Z

Well, well, well. What a surprise. The fault has been identified by Tiscali broadband support as the BT exchange constantly dropping the DSL signal. For those that don't know but who would care to, your normal home phone line can be enabled to carry two signals, one for speech and one for digital services, like internet. So it is possible to have what appears to be a fully functioning phone line which isn't all there actually, when the DSL bit has gone out.

Do BT self check their own services? No - at least not for broadband wholesale customers like Tiscali or other ISPs. They appear to wait to be told of a fault, which has come in turn from a customer call, and then they fix it - WHEN THEY'RE READY!
They fixed it on Sunday. The fix stayed in until Tuesday morning, went out, and remains unfixed.

Would a direct, private customer have more clout with BT if they bought their phone and broadband from them as well? Well, that's what BT would want you to think. But I object to being corralled down that particular road just to get a service which is akin to the description I was given by the various service providers when I bought the phone and broadband services in the first place. I moved away from BT because of their crap attitude before, so to have to go back.....no, it doesn't sit well, not at all.

The alternative, chucking it in and saying fuck the internet and the horse it rode in looks more dignified than this toothless begging of BT to do what they're paid to do. They are too powerful, and their monopoly on infrastructure service levels must be broken.
Unfortunately we have no direct alternative, not being in a cabled area.
Maybe there's a mobile phone solution that doesn't cost the earth?

I am disappointed.

2009-01-18T18:20:00.003Z

I have been led, easily, to the conclusion that the suppliers of 'the internet' are thoroughly shit. The latest in a long line of intermittent problems has resulted in internet access from home becoming sporadic and inherently unreliable, before finally packing up altogether*.

Let’s take a look at what I’ve been reminded of – because I already knew – whilst wasting approximately 15 hours over the last week on phone calls, and many more fiddling about with wires and plugs, with NO progress made:

It could be the BT exchange.
It could be the BT wires from the exchange to my house.
It could be the telephone socket in my house.
It could be the telephone wiring to other sockets in my house.
It could be other things connected to the telephone sockets in the house.
It could be the DSL filters.
It could be the lead from the DSL filter to the router/modem.
It could be the router/modem.
It could be the lead from the router/modem to the computer.
It could be the plug on the end of the lead from the router/modem.
It could be the socket on the computer.
It could be the software in the computer.
It could be a board problem in the computer.
It could be a disk problem in the computer.
It could be a virus.
It could be a service interruption from the ISP.
It could be a capacity problem with the ISP.
It could be an account problem with the ISP.
Then again - “It might be something else.”

What it definitely is, is SHIT.

I have been polite, friendly and co-operative throughout, even when provoked. I have wasted my time and spent my patience going through interminable ‘help’ desks (they didn’t), answering the same questions time after time and have got precisely no-where.

Naturally, I have disconnected every other piece of telecom equipment in the house and am now running straight to the secret socket inside the BT master box. But it still Doesn’t Work!

What I need is an internet ‘fixer’ who can come to my house and accurately identify & maybe even resolve the problems whilst I provide the tea and biscuits. He/She could provide the sympathy to me if it doesn’t work out. Do such people exist? Do they charge more per hour than shrinks or surgeons? They could you know, if they wanted to.

My only other option is to cancel the internet, cancel the phone line and go back to writing letters and watching the TV, before I end up dead from a stress induced heart attack.

My dreamland wish is that the motley crew of suppliers involved in the current quilombo would behave like they believe that the expected outcome for a customer of going through any help-desk scenario is ‘fault identified, solution implemented and problem solved’, rather than ‘script completed – TICK’. But, demonstrably, not one of them does.

This means you:

1. BT
2. Openreach
3. Post Office Telephones
4. Tiscali
5. Belkin
6. Acer
7. Thomson

Individually, each one of you is shit. Together though, you’re special. You create a CESSPIT of mediocrity and a MIDDEN of despair. I wish your organisations nothing but disaster, ruination and humiliation for 2009 and for evermore. I don’t feel bad about saying this because you have all, during the past week, blamed each other, and on a couple of occasions you have blamed me for your shortcomings.

So now I’m damning you all, collectively and irrevocably. I know you won’t mind if I do this, because we all know, don’t we, that it WON’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER TO YOU.

You f-----s.

*Obviously, I’m posting this from work. I won’t be making a habit of it though.

The peace and quiet of the countryside

2009-01-11T00:45:00.020Z

This part of the world was once heavily quarried for ironstone to feed the iron and steel works which many towns had. Much of the excavated land has been reclaimed and used for farming or latterly building. Sadly, many of the larger quarries have been steadily filled up with rubbish, which seems both undignified and a waste of an interesting and relatively wild and unusual habitat. Quite apart from the ongoing ecological impact of the practice.

But quite a few sites remain and I expect a lot of people enjoy walking in them, around them or to them. It's certainly a lot quieter these days than when they were worked. Explosions, excavators, dust in the summer, mud in the winter, and of course the inevitable railways, the tracks for which were laid on a temporary basis and then moved to follow the seams. From what I can gather local people seemed to accept the net effect of this 'rural industry' on their lives in a way which the current residents of Ironforge Close probably never would. Personally I find the modern replacement, large distribution warehouses, a blight on the landscape. Other people think they're tidier. We differ.

My regular weekend walk with my father takes in some old ironstone workings, now overgrown as they were closed in 1932, coincidentally the year he was born. The signs of quarrying are still very visible though as the land was never reinstated, just planted with trees, 'hill and dale'. It makes an interesting walk whatever the season. In winter though, on a day like today when the ground was as hard as iron, the leaves gone and all the grass laid low, it is at its least compromising and most revealing. We stand and look and wonder how the job was done and look for remnants. A glass stopper ball from a 'spruce' bottle here, a piece of railway track there.

The picture at the top of the post was taken at a different quarry by my Dad in 1968, but it could have come from any year during the previous 80, which is some kind of statement given that Apollo 8 was orbiting the Moon at exactly the same time. The picture was taken on Christmas Eve of '68 and is one of my favourites. Technically speaking it's not the greatest picture in the world and I'm afraid it didn't scan too well. But it captures the essence of the makeshift and basic nature of the industry, and gives an impression of the rural setting of this almost forgotten side of what was everyday life. What you may also sense is the cold in the air, the smell of the coal smoke and steam and the sound of the engine and wagons, squealing up the track. That I can't convey these to you is a current limitation of blogging, but maybe one day Google will add a gadget to fix that.

Not so Wonderful

2009-01-06T21:12:00.006Z

My local branch of Woolworths closed today. It was amongst the last 200 to go and it was a sad day, primarily of course for the employees. I realise that Woolworths had run itself into trouble, but quite why it received zero help from the Government to keep it going until a reasoned appraisal of any options could be considered I do not know. After all, every other business of comparable employing size that has run itself into trouble over the last year or so has been presented with a number of fat cheques under the guise of 'maintaining national stability'. Even though those recipients have arrived at that parlous state through greed, self interest and ineptitude. But Woolworths wasn't a bank, just a shop.

Presumably the destabilising social and economic effects of 30,000 people being thrown out of work, and the knock on effects on suppliers, maintenance people, lost revenues for town centres and the nasty taste this has left in a lot of people's mouths is something the Government think that they, and we, can handle. Maybe they're right. Time will tell. Right now though, I object to the Government's assumption that 'I' will think it's okay to save each and every tinpot bank with 'my' money, but not extend the same courtesy to a shop. I guess Gordon is a banker and always will be a banker.

Anyway, in the shop this lunchtime it was a grim affair. The young staff carried on serving customers with good humour whilst the scenery of the shop was literally dismantled around them. A few people milled around the remaining items, looking both guilty and avaricious, perhaps like people picking over the contents of a house whilst the owner was simultaneously being carried into the crematorium. I was one of them. A middle aged woman found a card saying 'Sorry You're Leaving' amongst a pile of random items. She started chortling to her companion, held it up and shouted out to the people around her, "Look, we could all sign this and leave it for the staff".

Everybody looked at her. But nobody laughed.

More, please

2009-01-05T12:12:00.004Z

I hope we're going to have a proper Winter, like 1948 or 1963. I want* snow above the hedgerows, motorways impassable, the sea frozen, airports closed, the trains marooned and a 'Minister for Snow'. Hazel Blears might get that, "snowing on us is what the clouds want" she might say.

* I don't want anyone to get hurt or killed though obviously.

Do you like snow?

Omma Toime Lord, me duck.

2009-01-03T19:37:00.008Z

No, the next Doctor Who is not Andrew Collins, but Matt Smith, also from Northampton. Congratulations Matt Smith. I look forward to Estuary English being replaced by some proper talking. Omavailable as a voice coach / interpreter for alien races, as required.
Ooz got the kee t~thuh Taardiss?

Beyond Pathetic

2009-01-02T19:05:00.006Z

Couple of hints to scammers everywhere - learn to use the English language the way we're used to seeing it. Furthermore, if you're going to put a name in the text to make it 'look authentic', spell his name right and make sure he's still alive. Francisco Gomez-Roldan died in July 2006.

And finally....

2008-12-31T01:59:00.014Z

I can't post a great long list of my greatest books, films etc of the year [and who really cares anyway, except to see if they agree or not] as I am culturally illiterate, too fidgety and somewhat shallow. To prove the last point here's some pictures I took of the Gig Of The Year. I really concentrated on getting them sharp. And they brighten up these dark days, that's my theory.
Enjoy if you're so minded and I'll see you on the other side.

Happy 2009 to all 15 of you!

...oh and especially for fourstar....

Ooooh - me 'ead!

2008-12-26T12:00:00.002Z

Hope yours was fun!

Christmas Holidays 1956 - by B.O.A.C - (part 4)

2008-12-24T00:17:00.029Z

(sotto voce) 'Miss Woo, please go up to the cockpit and extract Miss Galore from the Captain, or vice versa. We have drifted well off course and as we have no navigator on board we will need to plot our course by looking out for familiar landmarks. Follow that whale!'

*broadcasts over intercom*
"Hello again Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you are enjoying the flight. You may notice icebergs out of the window; this is perfectly normal at this time of the year in the mid-Atlantic. The Captain assures me that there is nothing to worry about and that he is making the rules.

I am delighted to tell you that Dinner will be served shortly. It is of course from the B.O.A.C Christmas Menu. Please make your final selections and inform the Cabin crew of your wishes."

(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

If you enjoy your travel experience and break in Grand Bahamas, please make a note that next year the blogger's Christmas holiday will be to BEIRUT, Jewel of the Near East. We plan to stay at the St George. See you in the bar.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for travelling with us on Office Pest Holidays by B.O.A.C.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Christmas Holidays 1956 - by B.O.A.C - (part 3)

2008-12-23T20:40:00.006Z

All on board so here we go. Next stop Nassau, Bahamas!

Who are we travelling with today?

Crew:

Pilot - Captain B.P. Perry. He doesn't normally make the rules but he will on this occasion.
Co-Pilot - Second Captain O. Pest. He's just along for the ride.
Radio Operator - Mr. M. Rudd. He can make sense of any radio chatter.
Flight Engineer - Mr. O. Docherty. This plane is festooned with gear, however he can handle it.
Head of Cabin Crew - Miss U. Woo. The best trolley dolly ever to twiddle a swizzle stick at 30,000 ft.
Cabin Stewardess - Miss P. Galore - in charge of those passengers requiring special attention.
Chief Steward - Mr. J. Bond - a late replacement for the usual Steward. Comes highly recommended.

Consulting my passenger list we find that alongside Mr. R. Burton, Mr. O. Welles, Mr. D. Niven and Miss E. Taylor, noted passengers include:

Mr. F. Centres - Top publishing executive, he can make and break careers like that.
Mr. Planet Mondo - Former Beat musician, famous for his axe.
Mr. R. Herrin - Famous philosopher.
Mr D. Hepworth - Noted commentator and publisher.
Rev. A. Collings - Spiritual Leader, Broadcaster and Life-style Guru.
Mr. L.F. Barfe - Showbusiness writer and author.
Mr. A. Goldfinger - Industrialist.
Mr. O. Job - Security consultant.
Mr. I. Fleming - Foreign Correspondent and author.

If I have missed anyone requiring individual attention, please let the cabin crew know.

Drinks and light snacks will be served as soon as we reach cruising altitude. Cigarettes and cigars may be taken in the smoking section, however Gentlemen are asked to refrain from smoking pipes.

Dinner will be served over the mid-Atlantic.

Please settle back and enjoy our B.O.A.C First Class Clipper service to Nassau, Grand Bahamas.

(Mr. Centres, I will ask the Second Class Steward to bring you a Castella up from Second Class.
"Prescott!, [he's on an exchange from our sister company Cunard], bring Mr Centres his Castella. Good. Now give it to him. Gently, Prescott, gently. Excellent. Now, Back! Back, Prescott."

"Please shut the curtain, Miss Woo".

Christmas Holidays 1956 - by B.O.A.C - (part 2)

2008-12-22T23:35:00.006Z

Nearly ready for boarding now. Just to get you in the mood, here's a selection of the characters booked on our trip.

Who's playing you?

Christmas Holidays 1956 - by B.O.A.C - (part 1)

2008-12-22T00:59:00.016Z

For those bloggers joining the B.O.A.C holiday to the Bahamas this Christmas, please remember we will be boarding exclusively from the First Class Terminal Lounge.
The Captain asks that before you embark, you familiarise yourselves with the expected standards of behaviour whilst on board by attending Mr David Niven's short talk in the Virginia (Smoking) Lounge. In particular, Gentlemen are reminded that the effects of alchohol are exaggerated whilst flying at normal cruising altitude. Ladies travelling are asked to observe the commonly held norms of decency as regards their attire.

For those passengers who may not have travelled by air before, an information film will now be shown in the Capital & Provincial News Theatres Ltd Cinema, our new facility which opened this year.

Further announcments about our journey will be made regularly. Please listen for information broadcast by the Tannoy system or make enquiries of your Lounge Steward. (Please remember that tipping of the Lounge Stewards should be kept to a reasonable level).

Passengers are asked to confirm travel by registering their interest on the form below. There is a special offer on Cocktails in the Turtle Walk Lounge of the Jack Tar Grand Bahama Club for those passengers registering promptly.

(Turtle courtesy of http://www.arkivatropika.com/cgi-bin/tags.cgi?tags=%22Caribbean%22)

"What's wrong with you?....

2008-12-07T17:41:00.008Z

....why don't you want anything for Christmas?"

Oh dear. It's that time again. I've avoided answering the question for a month or more now but today was crunch time. It went something like this -

Mrs OP - "People want to know what you want for Christmas. You can't leave it until the last minute."
Me - "I can't think of anything I want. I never can."
Mrs OP "Well do you want some money then to buy something yourself?"
Me "Not really, it's a bit desperate to give money and anyway there's nothing I want to buy. They could give the money to charity or just keep it, I really don't mind.
Mrs OP "Well there must be something you want..."
"Must there", I say, rising to the challenge, "well, I don't think there is".
"What about an iPod, you haven't got one of those"
"No I haven't, because I don't want one. Nor have I got any kind of games console, DS, Wii, PSP, Gamestation or any of the rest of it, because I don't want them."
"Well, what about vouchers?"
"Same as cash - and you'll end up spending them anyway because I won't go to the shops all year."

The game is warming up now.

"What about tickets for a show, or play...ah! - what about Al Murray, he's on tour - you like him."
"Yes I like him on the telly, but I don't want to go and see him."
"Why?"
"Just not that interested in all the aggro of going, sitting there and coming back. That's why I like him on the telly".
"DVDs? CDs?"
"None I want thanks. Still got DVDs in their cellophane from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. Never watched them. And books I've never read. It's a waste to get me things for the sake of buying them."
"We could book somewhere and go away for the weekend, or go out for a nice meal. Maybe go to London to the Mandarin Kitchen." (is that place still open by the way? Near Queensway tube station).
"Is that a present for me or for you?"
"Hmm, fair point. Well what about clothes, or shoes or..."
"Ties, hankerchiefs and socks", I suggest, "No ta, don't really need any at the moment".
"A new watch?"
"Got plenty of watches, thanks".
"Well, you'll have to think of something."
"Right", I say, "I'll try*. I've been looking around while buying things for other people but I just can't see anything I want for myself"
"You're being miserable"
"No, I'm not. In fact, I'm quite content because there is nothing I want, nowhere I want to go, nothing I want to see. Why is that wrong?"
"It isn't normal."

A truce is declared, whilst regrouping takes place.

The thing is, I don't want any more 'stuff' cluttering up my tiny world. Materially, I grew up with little and the instinct to ask for things, and acquire more and more was usually thwarted, so it never really took hold. I never really noticed at the time, but I'm sure that's how it's come out in me as an adult. I don't mind this, by the way.
As a reaction, I suppose, to my rather chaotic childhood all I ever really wanted was security, stability and to be left alone in peace when I wanted to be. By and large I have managed to achieve a measure of that, so far as anyone is able to in real life. I like that, and I think my family appreciate it as well.
However I will freely admit to having often confused the need for security with accumulating 'stuff', but lately I have become tired of these extraneous material goods hanging around me and have started to dispose of them**.

I am, as they say these days, on a journey. I don't want any more gear underfoot, tripping me up. I have no burning ambition to go anywhere or see anything in particular either.
Is that normal or abnormal - or is it just the time of the year? What's wrong with me?

*any ideas gratefully received

**what about a couple of trestle tables, for car boot sales? Now there's a thought.

Technical Help Please

2008-12-05T23:34:00.006Z

I'd appreciate some technical help. I want to download some DV tapes to my computer and do some simple edits etc., before burning to a DVD. Any ideas about how to do this and the best software to use, good tips etc., gratefully received. Thanks.

Phew! That Was a Close One!

2008-12-04T23:22:00.008Z

BRITAIN SURVIVES!

Last weekend, before today's predicted blizzard turned rainy for many of us, my father and I were talking about the old chestnut of how useless this country is at dealing with a bit of snow. Not only that, but the blaring out on all news media, led by Police advice, that no one should go anywhere and do anything if there is a risk, let alone a fall, of snow.

The now endemic risk aversion stance now informs so much of what we are supposed to do and moreover be cabable of doing, that it seems to have eaten away at people's confidence as adults in their ability to cope with fairly unusual, but nonetheless normal events, like snow.

My father proposed that 'what this country needed to be able to deal with' (yes, here we go), was a really bad winter like 1947 or 1963. " '47 was longer, but '63 was colder" he said. 'Regular snow and freezing temperatures continuously in both of them for three months. Snow above the hedgerows'. As he's lived through both of these famous winters I'll take his word for it. But as for proposing that this kind of weather should be visited on modern day 2009 GB Ltd as a kind of long, sharp shock I think we all know what the outcome would be, don't we.

Shortly after the transport system collapses (midway through the second day), all remaining economic output ceases (toward the end of the week), and the electric, water and gas go off for good (early the second week), there the British would be, cold, hungry and bankrupt - alone at home, advised to 'sit tight'.

As the picture says - End

No need for fancy viruses or meteorites to wreak mass havoc. Snow has the power.

Put The Needle On The Record

2008-12-03T22:46:00.007Z

I do like 'pages from Ceefax', which is sometimes shown late at night as a filler when the BBC regional programmes finish at slightly different times.
All that tragic world news set to lush sweeping strings and a jolly brass section. Terrific.

Champion

2008-11-03T00:00:00.004Z

Fantastic drive from Lewis Hamilton. Well Done Sir.

Let's have some music to celebrate:

Doggone Halloween

2008-10-30T23:32:00.004Z

Happy Halloween from the proudest fast food crew on the scene.

Bless 'em.

Full of Hot Air 2

2008-10-30T11:16:00.005Z

Talking to a schoolteacher the other night, an enthusiastic newly qualified young woman, I asked why the reading book changeover was becoming erratic. Well, she says, I don't 'manage' that process, Mrs. so-and-so does it, 'while I proceed with actioning morning input'.

It turned out she meant taking the register.

Why does everybody want to ape city-business-bollocks speak? I mean these days it's not a great role model for anyone, given the ruination of the world economy, and for educators of young children, is it ever?

Seaside Special

2008-08-06T00:41:00.008+01:00

It's goodbye from me as we're off on holiday for a while.
Plenty of this:

And no more of this:

Full of Hot Air

2008-06-20T23:00:00.009+01:00

As seen over our back garden about an hour ago

Nice eh?

Looks like the 21st is going to be a washout, so let's call these the official record of a warm Summer night at the brightest time of the year.

Clogs 4, Frogs 1

2008-06-13T21:54:00.024+01:00

Fantastic performance by the Oranjeboom Boys.

Let's have some music to celebrate;

"Trying Not to Pose, For the Cameras and the Girls" / 'Don't Hold Back - Fire Up the Quattro, Bolly Knickers!'

2008-02-08T00:27:00.000Z

Nice to see our hero's return, and just as big in every way.

Favourite moments of detail? The footbridge down to the river boat that was rusting and peeling in 2008, and then pristine and new a few minutes later in 1981. And The Passions, 'I'm in Love With a German Film Star'. Got that on a single somewhere, probably still round at my Dad's. I remember I got it for 20p, remaindered from WH Smith, and it was on really thick vinyl with a silver, or perhaps dark blue, screen printed 'painted' label.

Strangely enough I got Roxy's 'The Same Old Scene' (that ones on thin vinyl though) out of the same box, probably on the same day. That's weird. They're both mighty tracks though. Happy days.

As for the rest, it can't possibly be 27 years ago, can it? But I remember it so well! That's like me in 1970 watching a film set in 1943...and that can't be right at all. Time flies.

And then, I actually had to explain to Mrs OP what TaB cola was. F**k me, I must be old.

Meek, not mild

2008-02-03T00:32:00.000Z

41 years ago today, on the anniversary of Buddy Holly's death (which he himself had claimed to have predicted in a seance years before), Joe Meek shot himself after murdering his landlady.

A short and often brilliant career had burnt down and ended in the worst possible way, Meek's own problems driving him to destroy another's life as well as his own. His depression, drug use, paranoia, worry about his homosexuality being exposed (it was then a criminal offence in England) all did for him in the end. He was however a true innovator, a rebellious experimentor and a technical genius who really did come up with the holy grail of pop music; something different.

He knew this and was initially guarded and eventually paranoid about others stealing his ideas. One day, strangely providing a connection to a modern day shooting tragedy, Meek received a phone call from Phil Spector, who he was already suspicious of. He refused to talk to him, instead accused him of stealing his production techniques in order to produce the 'Wall of Sound', then promptly hung up on him.

However, except in producing loud and 'full' recordings, Spector didn't copy Meek or vice versa; Spector used conventional instruments en masse with multi-tracked voices to create his sound.
In contrast, working with many musicians (including the Tornados) but often individually, Meek recorded and manipulated a mixture of sounds from instruments and anything else that took his fancy. Then, using tape recorders at various speeds with proprietory and his own home made equipment he produced - pre-synthesiser - effects and sounds that today would be difficult to originate from scratch; the arts of tape manipulation having been largely supeseded in the intervening years.

So he was one of, maybe the first, engineer/producers to realise the possibilities of using recording equipment as a production tool, and also how to push vinyl mastering to new limits to present it properly to the listener. The 1962 Decca pressing of "Telstar" is a technical tour de force in it's own right. But I won't go on..

Maybe, considering how things turned out it's perhaps in bad taste to laugh at aspects of Meek's life, but apparently there were laughs a plenty. Some though, were unintentional. One of my favourite stories concerns Meek's obsession with the paranormal, the afterlife and general 'ghostwatch' style activities.

As a virtuoso recording engineer it was no problem for Joe to mic up a graveyard to record any messages from 'beyond'. Mostly he got nothing, of course, until one night a cat obliged by meeowing and wailing for some time, certainly long enough for Joe to later analyse the sounds and announce that the cat was trying to converse with him using human speech; it was in fact a trapped human spirit pleading for help via the medium of Cat. Cat-onese maybe.
I guess you had to be there. I wish I had been.

This extract from a documentary is a long clip in total, but the audio of the cat incident - with subtitles - is a minute and a half in, after stories from Screaming Lord Sutch and Heinz Burt:

Anyway, if you want to take a look there's plenty out there about Joe, his life and his body of work (for instance, "Telstar" was the first record by a British group to reach number one in the U.S. charts - sorry Beatles fans). Interest in him seems to be growing again, with a cinema film in production and an in-depth documentary to be shown soon.

Before we finish off, with The Honeycombs, here's a strange mix of Delia Derbyshire meets Joe Meek, complete with rockets and aliens; it's a version of "Telstar". For me it lacks both the energy of the original 'Telstar' and the brooding menace of the 'Dr Who' theme, but it's well meant and it shows spirit I suppose. That's something Joe would have approved of, I'm sure.

Get On Your Bike

2008-01-16T16:05:00.000Z

For background, I'm looking for a suitable job at the moment, after being made redundant due to company restructure, etc etc. I was, or might be again I suppose, a bit of a generalist, having to be competent at quite a few things to keep the wheels of the business I was involved in turning smoothly.
Like a lot of us no doubt.

However, having no particular specialisation, but varied competencies & experience gained from a good background in commercial publishing coupled with department management, I've found it difficult to tick the right ticky boxes on agency registrations, job search websites and so forth.

I've ranged far & wide in person and on the web in my search for suitable vacancies, but for some reason I'd never really considered my local Job Centre. So I thought I'd ring them up and make an appointment to see one of their career advisers.

What follows is the verbatim account of what happened next.

JC Woman: "Hello, Job Centre, how can I help you?"

Me: "I'd like to come in and talk to someone to get some advice and maybe some career leads. My problem is that the website job searches the job centre have, and the agencies as well, are making me tick boxes that aren't really 'me' and aren't giving me the kind of opportunities and vacancies that I can apply for successfully.
I thought if I could talk to someone who is involved with taking briefs from local companies I might get better results on what is out there at the moment."

Her: "Oh, ok, I see. Are you on benefits at the moment?"

Me: "No"

Her: "Err, ok, do you have any disabilities that might prevent you from working in particular roles?"

Me: "No".

Her: "Oh, well, if you don't have any disabilities and you're not on benefits then we can't really help you."

Me: "But, I haven't got a job at the moment, I want to work, and I need some help finding the right roles to apply for."

Her: "Well, we can't make an appointment for you to come in and talk to us unless you are on benefits and/or have a disability. You're welcome to come in and have a look at the boards or look on line yourself."

Me: "So you're saying that I have to wait until I'm so in trouble that I'm on benefits before you'll help me get a job? Would it be better if I lost my house as well?"

Her: "That's right. Unless you have a disability, anyway."

Me: (incredulously) "Really?".

Her: "I'll give you some phone numbers and some other website addresses etc"

Me: "Are those the same ones I can already get from your website?"

Her: "They might be."

Me: (laughing by now) "Right, ha ha, well, goodbye then".

Her: "Yes, sorry, goodbye"

You couldn't make it up, could you. If I saw this on the telly, on "Not Going Back To Work" or similar, I'd think, 'oh yeah, over imaginative scriptwriter at work'.

Several hours later, I still can't really believe it happened. So I've written it down, if only to give myself some evidence that I'm not trapped in some kind of Chekhov story.

I'm going in there tomorrow, to see what's what.

Hello World

2008-01-12T01:29:00.000Z

Hi,

Well I've come late to the blogging revolution, but better late than never, that's what they say. I like to keep up to date with some regular blogs myself so I thought I'd have a go as well and see how I get on.

I've been putting this off for a while until I was in the right frame of mind to do it, but I've been waiting for ages and that still hasn't happened so here I am anyway.

I was wondering what to write about for my first post and I thought I'd share something with you that's been popping in and out of my mind for maybe 35 years now. It's about George Martin, the Beatles producer, more specifically his composition 'Theme One', written for the BBC to be their Radio 1 theme tune. This was in the days when they actually used to go off the air at night and come back on in the morning.

Anyway, in the early seventies, for various reasons I had a spell of living at my grandma's house. She had a put-you-up bed settee thing that wasn't too bad to sleep on, but it was in the living room and the curtains were really thin, meaning that I'd be awake at the crack of dawn (it must have been Spring or Summer).

I had this tiny light blue transistor radio and one morning I put it on and there was this, to me, scary organ style music, which sounded like something from a Hammer film but speeded up.

I liked it, was thrilled by it, was fascinated by it and I was scared of it all at the same time. It got to the point where I'd wake myself up purposely to hear this strange music every morning. However, I never knew what it was, or who made it until much later but the strange way I found it has popped into my head every so often since that time.

So there I was, looking through YouTube the other day and I thought...I wonder. Well, I didn't find George Martin's version, but I did find this:

I love it. Listening to it now, it still kind of affects me, but I like it even more now because this is my nostalgia.

And I wasn't aware of them at the time, but looking back now didn't VDGG have it all. Apart from the vocalist who's not needed for this track, the three VDGGs featured here are; the handsome, capable keyboarder; the crazy genius saxophonist; and the super-competent jazz-rock drummer who must have been the template for every surf dude and grunger who ever existed. I love his style of head down, hit it hard and fast. Great stuff and I hope you enjoy it, whether or not it personally still gives you the tingles.

See you soon.