That final team talk in full..

Mr Capello opened the briefing,

"I've got a job for you, Team England. You have to play Slovenia, at football, and beat them."

Mr Capello then concluded,

"F__k this up and you're dead meat."

[translation by Berlitz]

John Motson might have said:

"Well, here we are again. The longest day may have passed, but the England team are still stuck on the beaches, under fire from all sides, taking casualties, searching for that decisive and necessary breakthrough.

After the trials and tribulations of the past few days, the travelling England fans will be wondering if this is to be their last stand in South Africa. We've already seen the French go home in disgrace and disarray, and some would no doubt say that this is nothing less than they deserve.

Slovenia, England 's opponents today, currently lead the group and will be looking to consolidate that position with a win or a draw. England need to win emphatically in order to progress with credibility, to probably face the Germans once more in the next round.

The other game in Group C, the USA versus Algeria could still provide an upset for England if the USA prevail and England cannot manage more than a draw. What an ignominious exit that would be for Capello's team.

And if this happens, after a faltering campaign so far, many will say that England never had the quality to progress in this tournament and are simply not good enough to fulfil the nation's expectations. Harsh words perhaps, but you have to look to the likes of Rooney, Terry and Lampard for an explanation as to why they simply cannot perform at this level.

Our sporting venue today, the coastal town of Port Elizabeth, provides the perfect setting for the match, with a kick off at 3pm, a time of course not unfamiliar to the host of Premiership stars who have so far struggled to perform.

Obviously a sea level location, altitude is not an factor, and the weather forecast is for a temperate 19 degrees celsius; that's the mid 60's for those of you who still prefer the Fahrenheit scale.

Coincidentally, the mid 60's were of course the last time that England covered themselves in glory, in that famous victory in the 1966 World Cup, also against continental opposition, in that case the Germans. A date fast passing out of living memory, and nothing but a fairy tale to so many of the youngsters watching at home today.

So here we go. Can Captain Gerrard and his troops produce the victory England needs this afternoon, in a corner of a foreign field, of the town named Elizabeth ?

For Queen and Country, Gentlemen?"

Your candidate speaks

Mr LF Barfe pictured outside NOTA Waveney Campaign Headquarters, quite recently

Well, if you live in the Waveney constituency he does.

Mr L.F. Barfe, noted commentator, author, blogger and resident of Cheeseford is standing for Parliament, on the None Of The Above ticket.

In a recent interview with the BBC,

"Waveney candidate Louis Barfe says a vote for him is a last resort; when people want to vote, but none of the candidates appeals. "With NOTA standing, they have an option to register their dismay and disaffection," he says.

He says that in the unlikely event of him getting in, his one policy would be to force a by-election within six months in which he would not stand.

"The problem with politicians is not what they promise, it's what they deliver," he said. "So by promising to deliver nothing, I'm the best man for the job I don't want."

I know what you did last Easter

A non-scientific survey of "The Stranded" from my own extended circle brought a wry smile. It revealed a high proportion of senior medics and teachers - the self declared 'overworked' (and well paid), in other words.

I can't help but think that had there not been an election campaign on, all leave cancelled, half the MPs in the country would have been caught, er, out of it.

The exotic locations of our publicly funded hard working families would have provided a rich seam of scorn for the papers. Much worse than this.

Headlines like "Having a Lava-ly Time" being used.

After the expenses and pay scandals, lucky for them perhaps that they couldn't go. Who knows what they'd have been photographed doing.

Christine Keeler sunbathes in Spain, a while ago

The '39 Oscars

Tonight, tiring of modern television, I re-watched Hitchcock's The 39 Steps. I expect you've seen it many times as well.

It surprises me how a film made in 1935 stands up so well. That's a whole 75 years ago, friends and neighbours. Not that corny, and not so, well, 'old fashioned'. Though clearly of it's time, the scenes of the train, the Forth Bridge, the streets, a young but somehow no different John Laurie never fail to delight me. Perhaps I make allowances for it.

Along with Hitchcock, Robert Donat in the lead role - born today in 1905 - really deserves the plaudits for this film version of John Buchan's story. I know Donat was considered to be a fine actor in his time, in fact quite a favourite for his portrayal of 'well bred but not aloof' characters. At least that's what my father tells me.

On looking Mr Donat up, we see that he won the Oscar for Best Actor in 1939 (for Goodbye Mr Chips). An Academy Award's not so bad for a lad from Great Britain in any year.

Even better when you consider that in 1939 he beat the following nominees to the big prize: Clark Gable (for Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind); Micky Rooney (for Micky Moran in Babes in Arms); James Stewart (for Jefferson Smith in Mr Smith Goes to Washington); Laurence Olivier (for Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights).

Insert:Pipe:Ignite

Happy Birthday, Robert Donat

OH FOR FFSS

Do I really need this s##t in my life? No I don't.

Tonight I thought I'd play a CD in my computer. How fu##ing quaint. I put the CD in and it didn't play. It is an old CD. It is in good condition, but still, perhaps the CD fairies have corrupted it sometime between 1988 and now. So I tried a new CD. That doesn't work either.

'Why?', I thought. Then I thought, 'Actually, I don't want to understand. I just want it to work.'

After my outbreak of petulance, I searched for 'why the f##k wouldn't a simple CD play on a fu##ing computer?'

The consensus seemed to be that I needed to download yet more software. 'Try Windows Media Player'. Yeah, why not. It's on here already but never mind let's upgrade the fu##er. I mean, after all, all we're asking here is for the first mass media piece of digital, er, media to be played on another piece of ubiquitous digital technology. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong?

And it still doesn't work. The media player offers to organise, catalogue and 'library' my 'clips'. It can 'burn', 'rip' and 'sync' things. I'm not here to pirate, rip, sync, burn, 'library' or catalogue. The only thing I want 'organising' is for the CD to play.

But, as I said before; I don't want to understand. I just want it to work. There is no button to press that says "PLAY THE CD".

F##k it, I'll play it in the car tomorrow. What s##t this all is.

Happy Friday all!

"I would willingly sell my house and all its contents to help the BBC"

Well, of course I wouldn't. But what I would do, if I had the option, is pay twice as much as I do now if it meant that the bloody adverts could be removed from ITV, and, that ITV then had enough money to make some better programmes. Rather than cancelling all the expensive ones, being over reliant on the X-Factor, and leaving most of the rest with their restrictive budgets clearly on show.

The only positive thing, albeit in a twisted way, about the commercial side's current difficulties is that it highlights just where we'll go if the BBC is ever bullied off the air. But throwing buckets of water over your neighbours whilst your own house is on fire is not the way to go.

As for the radio argument - 'nuff said already, elsewhere I think.

Bring back Primeval, that's what I say.