Sunday, 18 January 2009

I am disappointed.

I have been led, easily, to the conclusion that the suppliers of 'the internet' are thoroughly shit. The latest in a long line of intermittent problems has resulted in internet access from home becoming sporadic and inherently unreliable, before finally packing up altogether*.

Let’s take a look at what I’ve been reminded of – because I already knew – whilst wasting approximately 15 hours over the last week on phone calls, and many more fiddling about with wires and plugs, with NO progress made:

It could be the BT exchange.
It could be the BT wires from the exchange to my house.
It could be the telephone socket in my house.
It could be the telephone wiring to other sockets in my house.
It could be other things connected to the telephone sockets in the house.
It could be the DSL filters.
It could be the lead from the DSL filter to the router/modem.
It could be the router/modem.
It could be the lead from the router/modem to the computer.
It could be the plug on the end of the lead from the router/modem.
It could be the socket on the computer.
It could be the software in the computer.
It could be a board problem in the computer.
It could be a disk problem in the computer.
It could be a virus.
It could be a service interruption from the ISP.
It could be a capacity problem with the ISP.
It could be an account problem with the ISP.
Then again - “It might be something else.”

What it definitely is, is SHIT.

I have been polite, friendly and co-operative throughout, even when provoked. I have wasted my time and spent my patience going through interminable ‘help’ desks (they didn’t), answering the same questions time after time and have got precisely no-where.

Naturally, I have disconnected every other piece of telecom equipment in the house and am now running straight to the secret socket inside the BT master box. But it still Doesn’t Work!

What I need is an internet ‘fixer’ who can come to my house and accurately identify & maybe even resolve the problems whilst I provide the tea and biscuits. He/She could provide the sympathy to me if it doesn’t work out. Do such people exist? Do they charge more per hour than shrinks or surgeons? They could you know, if they wanted to.

My only other option is to cancel the internet, cancel the phone line and go back to writing letters and watching the TV, before I end up dead from a stress induced heart attack.

My dreamland wish is that the motley crew of suppliers involved in the current quilombo would behave like they believe that the expected outcome for a customer of going through any help-desk scenario is ‘fault identified, solution implemented and problem solved’, rather than ‘script completed – TICK’. But, demonstrably, not one of them does.

This means you:

1. BT
2. Openreach
3. Post Office Telephones
4. Tiscali
5. Belkin
6. Acer
7. Thomson

Individually, each one of you is shit. Together though, you’re special. You create a CESSPIT of mediocrity and a MIDDEN of despair. I wish your organisations nothing but disaster, ruination and humiliation for 2009 and for evermore. I don’t feel bad about saying this because you have all, during the past week, blamed each other, and on a couple of occasions you have blamed me for your shortcomings.

So now I’m damning you all, collectively and irrevocably. I know you won’t mind if I do this, because we all know, don’t we, that it WON’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER TO YOU.

You f-----s.

*Obviously, I’m posting this from work. I won’t be making a habit of it though.


fourstar said...

Have you tried turning yourself off and then back on again?

Twats, aren't they.

BPP said...

Have you considered the possibility that a foreigner's taken a shit in your computer?

office pest said...

fourstar - I am now on sedation. Things look a lot less problematic nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

BPP - It is entirely possible that ALL of the named culprit corporations are NOT British. I blame the usurpment of the Post Office four pole jack plug with the shit USB plug for the technical plague that now creeps over us, like H.G. Wells' Red Weed.

I have licked my laptop and it tastes alright to me. Bit sharp, but alright.

LF Barfe said...

I think I've isolated the problem. It'll be Tiscali. Just go somewhere else. I've been with O2 since June with no problems.

CSouthwell said...

fancy taking part in my alphabet challenge in February?

i would challenge you to take a picture every day starting at A. representing the day. working through to Z. It would be great for you to to take part with some spin for your blog.

please have a look at my blog to get the gist of my project.