Weather forecast: weatheronline.co.uk

Monday, 2 February 2009

Newsflash!


Incredibly, a man has attended work during the current continent-paralysing Significant Snow Event!
In defiance of the Authorities, Mr Pest cleared up to 5 inches of Snow off the car, got in, drove there and drove back using all types of roads and some common sense - 'nothing much happened'. He says "he expects to do the same tomorrow".

In other sensational news, a Child attends school, and a Woman also goes to work. Incredibly they even called in at the shops on their way home, to the amazement of shopkeepers resigned to bankruptcy and closure.
After reaching their house they then spent almost an hour bravely throwing the hellish white substance at each other, and forming it into a crude human shape in order to summon the Snow Demon!
As a rudimentary precautionary measure, loose Snow on their clothing and footwear was brushed off before entering their home.
Government Scientists advise that although no lasting toxic damage is anticipated, the practice is 'not recommended'.

Police, however, are advising everyone to stay indoors until "early July at the earliest", in order to give time for the poisonous cloud to dissipate.

"Fack me, they don't call this the Nuclear Winter for nothing, sanshine", Plod chortled in a BBC Daytime interview earlier today, before he found out that he was reading from a leaflet issued in the 1980s. He then wandered off screen to talk to a group of roaming bus and train drivers.

Elsewhere, a predicted Giant Snow Demon fails to show up to throw Great Britain on to the Moon.

4 comments:

Planet Mondo said...

And why does the London Underground shut - how much snow do they get down there?

office pest said...

I know Mondo, it's the elephant in the room, or in this case the woolly mammoth in the tunnel I suppose!

LF Barfe said...

Lowestoft got off completely scot-free on this one, and I've been wondering if it genuinely has been as bad elsewhere as has been made out by the news. Or whether it's just risk-averse twats having a big ol' duvet week? Even if there had been an avalanche in north east Suffolk, there's no rest or sick pay for freelance homeworkers. Bah.

office pest said...

Louis, it's been worse in some areas than others of course, but the tendency of 'the authorities' to give up, seemingly without trying very hard bodes ill for the country. Aided and abetted by elfensafety advising all to protect and survive.
As you point out, as a contractor myself I get paid by the hour and provide my own holiday and sick pay. Not that I'd take a stupid risk but then I won't sit back without trying either.
(I owe you an email, will do it soon, promise).